i have a problem communicating. recently, this fault of mine has caused some problems in our marriage. i made it extremely difficult for my husband to come to me and verbalize his concerns.

coming from a home where we simply didn't discuss emotions, nor were they shown, i have to overcome these obstacles. my mother rarely hugged me or told me she loved me. my dad wasn't much more affectionate. i find it so strange for someone to embrace me (especially if i barely know this person), and i almost want to pull away because it feels so unnatural. one needs to be reminded that they are loved frequently. even as i end a phone call with my mother, she says, "i love you" almost mechanically, like it's the polite thing to do. 

communication is a vital tool for making a marriage go the distance. you cannot get angry with your partner if they don't understand why you're upset, especially if you just expect them to read your mind. and the silent treatment is never the answer. if anything, your parent will be glad you shut up for once. giving them the cold shoulder only widens the divide between the two of you.

i have learned that i need to calmly express my emotions without attacking my husband. i need to use more phrases like, "i feel that..." instead of "you need to...". in the heat of an argument, it is very difficult to remember to practice such techniques, but learning to do so is part of becoming an adult and the second half of a successful marriage. 

i am so tired of being tired. i am in a constant state of exhaustion. when i wake up in the morning, i think to myself, only x amount of hours until i can lay back down. my bed is my safe haven, my sanctuary. if it isn't my bed, it's my couch that i collapse into. my life isn't particularly fast paced (as i have stated before), so i do not know what is causing my lack of energy. maybe it's the extreme southern heat that is getting to me? in the fall/winter i do tend to be friskier.

or maybe it's the depression? i have stopped taking my medication, to see if there's a noticeable difference. i probably shouldn't have done that without a doctor's supervision. but i have been trying to look into more holistic and natural depression remedies. i do not like the idea of further funding the pharmaceutical companies, or not knowing what chemicals i am putting into my body. i once heard an older man say, "i believe that there is a cure for everything in nature, but we just haven't found it yet". maybe they have, but big pharma doesn't want to lose their profits?

i do not want to rely on caffeine (i limit my consumption to one caffeinated beverage per week), nor do i want to be on medication for the rest of my life, so i will be researching natural ways to rid myself of depression once and for all.

it is nights like these when i am the loneliest. my husband is at work and i am here by myself, with the dog. don't get me wrong, canines are great companions, but i can't have a conversation with her. i find myself the most depressed sunday evening. with monday looming over my head, and no one to talk to, i start to brood and let my moods get the better of me.

when this happens, i try to immerse myself in a good book or television show, but my mind always goes back to how alone i am. i can't call my parents because i don't exactly have a great relationship with them (mainly my mom). and friends lead their own lives, go in separate directions, and are often unavailable. i feel like everyone around me is living such a fast pace life, that they can't make time for others, and just listen. or maybe my boring life isn't fast enough to keep up? sometimes i think that i am stuck in limbo and that i will wake up from this dream someday. will that day ever come? 

i know i have to make a choice about whether or not i will be depressed. sometimes that choice is rather easy, and a lot of times it is not. depression itself is not a choice, but i can choose my thoughts. i can let dark thoughts fester, or i can redirect my mind elsewhere. 

why is it that every time i have an idea that doesn't conform with mainstream views, i get shut down? i refuse to think inside the box, and be kept in this bubble the media wants us in. 

we are all "encouraged" to have our own thoughts, but when we finally speak up, we are told we are "wrong" or "crazy". if we don't explore other options, where will we be? no change will occur, no one will question things that should be questioned. 

what would have happened if the people behind the civil rights movement were discouraged and stayed quiet? it's time for us to investigate other "facts". i'm so sick and tired of just accepting what the government says as "truth". what about the anti-choice laws that the state governments are trying to pass? what about the prohibition of marijuana, and all the nonviolent offenders sitting in prison right now? what about the military continually trying to cover up sexual assault? what about the "recommended" schedule of vaccinations? the list is never ending. i could also go on about conspiracy theories, but i don't have two weeks to sit here and write all that i know about them. 

you can call me radical, i don't care. 

if we don't learn to think for ourselves again, our generation will be lost. 

ever since we are little girls, we are convinced that we "need" the perfect wedding to prince charming when we grow up. there are movies, tv shows, magazines, books, commercials, and websites devoted solely to all things wedding related. not about getting married, but about the ceremony and reception. endless examples of cakes, decorations, colors, dresses, shoes, tuxes, flowers, etc. i didn't even know there were so many options. it's enough to make anyone's head spin.

but what about after the wedding? when real life sets in? when all your (or your parents') hard earned money is gone? the media doesn't really talk about that. just the happily ever after at the end. sure the planning and drama was fun, but now what?

is that why the divorce rate is so high? because people were so focused on the party, they forgot to think about the year(s) after it was all said and done? once women get that coveted rock, their minds seem to disappear into fantasy land. Not stopping to think about premarital counseling, or other resources to help plan out the rest of their lives together.

would i have liked a nice wedding (at the expense of someone else)? sure! but i knew that wasn't logical to spend all my savings on ONE DAY of my life. memories fade. sure you have the photographs, but even those fade with time. if i had spent $27,800 (the knot) on a wedding, my husband and i would have nothing right now. it was difficult enough in the beginning, but i shudder to imagine how much harder life would have been, had we not had a damn thing to start off with.


edit: this recent article illustrates my point beautifully


HuffPost - Why I Think Weddings Are a Stupid Waste of Money

having sex is not one of my top priorities. it's just not something i need in life right now. call me crazy, but i just don't care about it anymore. 

the reason is probably a myriad of things: tiredness, combination of medications, stress, etc. at the moment, i don't care to fix the problem. what's wrong with taking a break in your sexual life? i am a human being, not a wild animal with an instinct to reproduce and populate the planet. 

you might say, "your husband must be doing something wrong". no, my husband is fine, he's not a sex god, but he gets the job done. the loss of my sex drive doesn't exactly feel like a "loss" to me. it's just that my mental health is taking precedence right now. even if that means that i keep taking my medications that are likely to blame for this dry spell. 

priorities change as you get older, and i can either learn to embrace it, or sit in this slump forever. 

life is so beige.

have you ever noticed how beige everything is? why is that the go-to color? every house or building is a variation of the color. even the #1 preferred hair color is blonde beige. i find it immensely depressing. The only thing beige in my house are the walls, and that's not my choice (we're renters).

what does that say about us as a society? are we that afraid of being different, of standing out? or are we afraid of offended others? well, i don't give a damn what other people think. i don't want to be beige. my aura is hot pink in a sea of bland beige.